How Not To Do Things

Stop making a fool out of yourself

How Not To Practice Law
How Not to Practice Law - In the Office and In the Courtroom
By Gene Grossman

This is the perfect book for any law student or new law firm or public government attorney, and should be required reading for any new admittee before making that first court appearance.
It separates what really goes on in the office and in court from what is seen on the popular law-oriented shows on television.
The 'do' and 'don't do' information in this book isn't in any law school textbook: it can only be learned here, or the hard way, by painful personal experiences.
Author Gene Grossman compiled the material in this book from many interviews with experienced judges, trial lawyers, law firm partners and even some jurors.


How not to write a novel
How Not to Write A Novel
By Gene Grossman

Successful author Gene Grossman admits to having made almost every mistake possible during his writing career, and wants this book to help new writers from following in his mis-footsteps when trying to write their first novel.
He discusses the benefits that new technology offers, and his 20 chapters contain much valuable information on writing/publishing/distribution tips and advice about agents, Amazon, the Internet, POD, author/internet scams, cover and interior design, character arcs, tense shifts and much more.
This is the perfect book for anyone who has ever thought about writing a novel. It tells you how to start, and how to finish, and covers all the things a beginning writer should avoid - from crooked agents, non-publishers, phony writing contests, to horror stories that other authors and publishers have encountered.
This book will help you avoid the problems and bad practices that it took him him years learn about the hard way, and will save you years of aggravation and thousands of dollars.


How to not go boating
How Not to Go Boating
By Gene Grossman

This is the perfect book for any new boater or any person invited to be a guest on someone else's boat. It covers all the things NOT to do on a boat, with many suggestions on the proper conduct while aboard. Also included is an informative Un-Glossary with words NOT to say, when describing things on a boat. Lots of personal experiences mentioned that show how to avoid becoming a jerk at sea.


Magic Lamp Press is pleased to announce the donation of a complete pallet of the
Peter Sharp Legal Mysteries (1,591 books) to our troops serving in the Middle East.
This donation was completed with the cooperation of
Assist Our Troops, a non-profit organization in Independence, KY.

      There’s a new detective in town – Suzi: and aside from the fact that she’s only 12½ years old and less than 4 feet tall, by using her amazing computer skills she’s made a big splash with local law enforcement agencies, who have repeatedly accepted her help in the solving of crimes.
      Her biggest delight is helping her legal guardian, criminal defense attorney Peter Sharp, by solving his most difficult cases - all to the amazement of Peter, the police, and the antagonistic District Attorney.
      You’ll especially enjoy the devious tactics Suzi uses occasionally to try and worm her way into the courtroom to present her solutions in open court, so that the press can see everything and she can be interviewed on TV.

About eBook reading formats:
* The (asterisk) indicates that the Non-Kindle eBook version of the book is now available in all seven of the most popular eBook formats, for all eReader devices including the Nook, and those from Sony, Apple and others.

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Single Jeopardy
Single Jeopardy -  A Peter Sharp Legal Mystery
By Gene Grossman

Peter Sharp isn't your usual type of attorney unless you consider getting divorced, disbarred, thrown out of your house, and disgraced, all normal for a practicing lawyer. In this first of the series, we join Peter while he tries to find out who framed him, why his wife threw him out, and how to make ends meet.

He also gets involved with a case of Negligent Nymphomania, a ground-breaking new tort cause of action Peter finds himself drawn into. Making matters worse is the fact that his sole source of income - a former classmate, winds up dead; the man accused of murder by jealousy winds up his romantic rival, and Peter winds up getting appointed legal guardian of a precocious 12-year old girl who tries to solve the crimes before Peter and the police can.

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MORE DETAILS Reason of Sanity -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #2
By Gene Grossman

Attorney Peter Sharp gets retained to defend a man accused of capital murder. The thing that makes this case a little harder to defend than most others are that the client's acts were cap-tured on videotape, he confessed to the police, and he wants to plead guilty. To make matters worse, the District Attorney's office has brought in a special prosecutor for the trial: Peter's ex-wife Myra. Peter is also hired to represent an insurance company, to defend it against a man who slipped and fell while inside a bank that was coincidentally robbed later that same day.

In this adventure, while Peter is involved representing Vinnie, the prolific, peeing pornographer. He also helps solve several bank robberies by catching the entire gang, and meets a gentleman who runs an autopsy store - all with the help of his legal ward, the adorable twelve-year-old computer wizard Suzi. 

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A Class Action
A Class Action -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #3
By Gene Grossman

In this third Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp is retained to represent a man accused of murder by the planting of bombs in vehicles. The client is also suspected of being part of a conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States in an upcoming Fourth of July parade. With the assistance of his legal ward Suzi, Peter cracks the case, identifies the real murderer, and at the same time solves the mystery of a dead body found in his friend Stuart's automobile trunk... all while falling for a lesbian lawyer, winning a Will contest, breaking up a stolen car ring 4,000 miles away, and battling with his ex-wife, who has been elected to the office of District Attorney.

In the adventure's hectic finale, Suzi manages to get Bernie, her huge Saint Bernard into a courtroom, where she makes her first official court appearance, holds her first press conference, and becomes a local television hero.

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Conspiracy of Innocence
Conspiracy of Innocence -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #4
By Gene Grossman

Suzi once again saves Peter's case by finding the connection between two crimes that allegedly took place in different parts of the State, one of which Peter was arrested for. And once again, Peter falls for a woman who he thinks could really 'be the one' this time. Peter's ex-wife Myra must make the decision as to whether or not she should resign from prosecution of a case in which she may have a conflict of interest - the prosecution of Peter's murder charge.

Everyone including Peter is sitting on the edge of their chairs as this double murder mystery comes to a shocking conclusion that involves a mafia hit man, revengeful drug dealers, a local police chief, and the ever-popular FBI.

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...Until PROVEN INNOCENT -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #5
By Gene Grossman

It's tough enough defending innocent people, but attorney Peter Sharp's new client has a reputation for disliking any person of color, and is then arrested with a smoking gun, standing over the body of a dead black man he had recently been seen arguing with. To make matters even worse, the district attorney (Peter's bitter ex-wife) has proved that the defendant's gun is in fact the murder weapon, and that both the accused and deceased were in the building alone when the shooting took place. Peter has no defense for his client, and gets that sinking feeling every lawyer gets when forced to start a trial without having anything to say on behalf of a client who refuses to accept any plea bargain.

Will Suzi comes to the rescue this time? The final courtroom scene is a stunner.     

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The Common Law
The Common Law -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #6
By Gene Grossman

Peter Sharp represents a client with amnesia. Not only is he unable to tell Peter his name, but also has absolutely no recollection of the crime he is charged with committing. Not to worry: Peter obtains video surveillance footage proving his client's guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

As usual, this is one of Peter's cases that winds up being a conflict with his ex-wife Myra, who is the county's chief prosecutor. He also may be more closely involved with FBI Special Agent in Charge Bob Snell than before, as they share a dangerous high-speed situation on a winding road. Suzi's new friend Lotus and her mother also play an interesting part in this adventure as Peter finds that he is fighting a ring of credit-card fraud and identity-theft experts.       

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The Magician's Legacy
The Magician's Legacy -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #7
By Gene Grossman

There are many types of mysteries, but one stands out over all the others: the ones involving a Locked Room. Over the years, every mystery writer worth his salt has tried to come up with the one that tops all the rest: the secret compartments, the doors locked from the inside, the confused timeline, etc., etc, etc. Jacques Futrelle set the standard with his "Problem in Cell 13," but there hasn't been a really fine stumper since then... Until now. Gene Grossman seems to have created a locked room mystery to end all locked room mysteries: not only is the room locked - it is a steel security room from which entry or escape is physically impossible.

The crime is actually seen by several witnesses, but the murderer has disappeared into thin air. If this mystery is to be solved, nobody has a better chance of doing it than a 12-year-old computer whiz: an adorable little Chinese girl who is the legal ward of attorney Peter Sharp.      

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The Reluctant Jurist
The Reluctant Jurist -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #8
By Gene Grossman

The Santa Monica Superior Court is suffering from a flu epidemic affecting most of the judges, who all got infected while attending a judicial seminar overseas. To help cover their courtroom caseloads, several local trial attorneys are 'drafted' into service. One of them is Peter Sharp, who is assigned to preside over a high profile civil case involving an attorney with whom Peter and Suzi have had past conflicts. Notwithstanding their history, all parties agree to let Peter hear the case... and the final conclusion winds up 35 miles outside of Los Angeles, with Peter pointing a revolver at someone's head. This is the first time in his life that Peter has been in a situation like this, but he feels it is justified because it is to protect someone very dear to him.

You'll be sitting on the edge of your chair as this page-turner forces you to keep reading to its conclusion. 

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The Final Case
The Final Case -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #9 + bonus: Problem in Cell 13
By Gene Grossman, Jacques Futrelle

There are many types of mysteries, but one stands out over all the others: the ones involving a Locked Room. Over the years, every mystery writer worth his salt has tried to come up with the one that tops all the rest: the secret compartments, doors locked from the inside, confused timelines, etc. It's all been tried over and over. Jacques Futrelle set the standard with his Problem in Cell 13, and John Dickson Carr raised it a bit in his The Hollow Man, and Gene Grossman throws his hat into the ring - not with a mystery taking place in a locked-room, but with a murder that takes place in a room with a completely open-door - but also with an invisible murderer.

As an extra bonus feature, after this last Peter Sharp Legal Adventure, the entire text of Jacques Futrelle's Problem in Cell 13 is set forth for your reading enjoyment.        

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an Element of Peril
An Element of Peril -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #10
By Gene Grossman

In this tenth Peter Sharp Legal Mystery, Peter faces a double task: defending a person who is charged with murder, and also trying to locate the missing victim, who was allegedly killed in a completely locked room. Somewhere behind the tangled mess of a down-ward-spiraling celebrity starlet, a battling married couple, a missing currency trader and a dis-appearing corpse, attorney Peter Sharp and his legal ward Suzi must find where the truth lies. As in the past, while Peter's client's trial nears, Suzi has failed to come up with any workable solution that can save Peter from certain defeat and humiliation in court.

As in the past, while Peter's client's trial nears, Suzi has failed to come up with any workable solution that can save Peter from certain defeat and humiliation in court.

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A Good Alibi
A Good Alibi -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #11
By Gene Grossman

In Latin, the word "alibi" literally means "somewhere else," and to any person charged with a crime, it is an extremely valuable asset to have, because it can mean the difference between an acquittal and a conviction. However, just having an alibi isn't enough: it has to stand up to scrutiny, because any good prosecutor knows that breaking an alibi and proving it was fraudulently concocted can lead a sure-thing conviction.

In this eleventh adventure of the Peter Sharp Legal Mysteries, Peter is forced into a role he never thought he'd be playing: that of a prosecutor.      

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LEGALLY DEAD -  Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #12
By Gene Grossman

Nobody likes a killer, but sometimes you have to put your personal likes on hold when you're a professional.... and that's what attorney Peter Sharp must do when he the court appoints him to represent a professional killer who has specifically requested his services Peter's ex-wife, the District Attorney, assures Peter that an agreed-to plea bargain is already in place, so all he has to do is stand next to his client while the guilty plea is entered.

Peter agrees to the contemplated one-hour of work as a court-appointed defense attorney and makes the court appearance. But when the case is called, the surprises start, and don't stop until the unexpected end of this twelfth Peter Sharp Legal Mystery.

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How to Rob A Bank Peter Sharp Legal Mystery #13
By Gene Grossman

        In this ultimate locked-room mystery, well-known hypnotist/magician The Great Brodini plans to pull off the perfect bank job to boost sales of his latest book "How to Get Away With Robbing a Bank."
        Unfortunately, he didn't plan on going up against the crime-solving acumen of 12½-year-old Suzi, Peter Sharp's legal ward, who has been waiting for a chance to expose Brodini as a fakir.

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There is no mystery inside of these books:  the mystery is - how did Shoveen get Magic Lamp to go out on a limb and publish them?
Ever since his first book, Shoveen has been known as ‘the Rush Limbaugh’ of relationship advisors, and constantly receives
complaints from women’s organizations. Notwithstanding the uproar about some of his writings, his books continue to be
popular selections, and if the publisher’s suspicions are correct, his audience also may include some women.


Dr. Nick Shoveen, Ph.D. Relationship Consultant & Personal Advisor/Therapist

   The very wise and learned Doctor Nick Shoveen, Ph.D. has been offering unsolicited relationship advice to men for many years. Although it has been difficult to verify his entire background, his publisher (Magic Lamp Press) does know that he claims to have received his Ph.D. from renowned California, allegedly the San Fernando Valley’s second foremost online school.
   The good doctor currently resides in room 37-c at Thailand’s economical Old Bangkok General Medicine House, where he quite often recuperates from serious wounds received in violent feminist attacks during his public appearances.
   After recovery this time, the doctor will continue with his speaking engagements, frequently sponsored by many of the various Gentlemen’s Clubs of America, and a hoped-for appearance on the basic cable Man’s Show.
   Watch for him in your town, unless you reside in one of the municipalities that have requested the doctor to never return. His latest three books are now available:

Phone Sex Manual: New book shows how you can make more than $100/hour working from your home

Female-to-English Dictionary: a Guide to Interpreting & Manipulating the Female Thought Process

  Meeting Women: A Comprehensive System for Making the Acquaintance of New Females in any Situation

  Porno Production: How to Produce Your Own Low-Budget Porno Movie s

         The opinions expressed by Dr. Shoveen in his books do not reflect the opinions or policies of the publishing company that releases his books - Magic Lamp Press.
         Readers of these books are hereby forewarned that Doctor Shoveen may have a tendency to exhibit unorthodox opinions and policies as to the place of females in our great society.

Listen to Dr. Nick Shoveen on the Jay Thomas Radio show

MadisonhomeJay Thomas
Co-host Madison
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Jay Thomas

Single Jeopardy
Marina Man
By Jonathan Schwartz

Marina del Rey attorney Tom McGuire must defend his client against a charge of carjacking and murder, rescue a proctologist-turned-plastic-surgeon, and battle with a government administrator of the Federal Witness Protection Program. Tom also runs into a modern-day Indian tribe that inhabits a high-rise office building, and some militant environmentalists who have unique methods of combating a Malibu real estate development. The action is set in and around Marina del Rey, California, with excursions to Topanga Canyon and Catalina Island's tiny settlement, Isthmus Cove. Also included are confrontations at sea between Tom's aging Chris-Craft and a Mafia offshore racer. Throughout, attorney McGuire's description of the action that takes place in this novel is a sense of humor that could only come from a person who has performed standup comedy, as author Jonathan Schwartz has.



by Reasons of Sanity
Caviar Crimes
By Jonathan Schwartz

Tom McGuire is on stage in a comedy club, pursuing his dream as a stand-up wannabe. A disturbance in the audience leads to the discovery that one of Maria's 'clients' at her County job is the aged mother of a Russian caviar smuggler in big trouble with the FBI. Tom represents the smuggler, with disastrous results. A stock promoter Tom prosecuted while working at the US Attorney's office has put Tom's friend and dock neighbor Murray Markoff up to promoting a bogus public company on the Internet, touting the stock of a cold fusion company through a variety of misleading screen-name personae. Throughout, the action is punctuated by Tom's comedy performances and nights in stand-up comedy workshop, and well-informed descriptions of stand-up technique, and the culture of comedy and comedians The author describes the step-by-step process of a classic 'pump and dump' stock scheme, and how promoters have learned to use Internet chat rooms to generate buying momentum.


by Reasons of Sanity
Point Sal
By Jonathan Schwartz

Marina del Rey attorney Tom McGuire learns that a credit card he never applied for has just been used to buy a new car that winds up in the middle of a 'turf' war outside Santa Barbara, at an idyllic Central California beach called Point Sal. Tom's girlfriend Maria is in danger of being charged with murder and Tom himself is once again betrayed by a former U.S. Attorney's Office co-worker who is in deeper than anyone imagined. Tom's Mafia contacts have retired and opened an Italian Deli/Cooking school called La Cosa Nostra, in which they give cooking classes under the watchful eye of the Federal Organized Crime Strike Force. Tom attends several of these classes. Recipes taught at the cooking school are collected at the back of the book.

The mystery here is why so many middle-aged men ruin a perfectly good walk by frequently stopping
to try and hit a small ball with a long-handled club, and when failing to do so may angrily bend the club or
toss it into some nearby pond of water. Perhaps this book may provide an answer to the mystery.

Written by P.G. Wodehouse, creator of Jeeves & Wooster, this book is a collection of humorous golf stories allegedly
told by the ‘eldest member,’ as he sat at the 19th hole  of Wodehouse’s fictional private golf club



The Mystery of the Yellow Room
The Mystery of the Yellow Room -  A Magic Lamp Classic Mystery
By Gaston Leroux

This is novel, written by the same person who created the "Phantom of the Opera" is reportedly on of the best 'locked-room' mysteries written during the 1900's, and inspired Agatha Christie to write her first book. The sleuth is a young journalist named Joseph Rouletabille, who uses reasoning and logic to solve the crime of the scientist's daughter who is the victim of an attempted murder that takes place in a room with bars on the windows, a double-locked door, making it impossible for the perpetrator to have committed the crime and escaped.

In a 1935 novel, John Dickson Carr, the master of locked-room mysteries, declared the Yellow Room Mystery to be the 'best detective tale ever written.' It was voted the third best locked room mystery of all time.


Murder in the Gunroom
Murder in the Gunroom -  A Magic Lamp Classic Mystery
By H. Beam Piper

The Lane Fleming collection of early pistols and revolvers was one of the best in the country. When Fleming was found dead on the floor of his locked gunroom, a confederate-made Colt-type percussion .36 revolver in his hand, the coroner's verdict was "death by accident," But Gladys Fleming had her doubts... enough
to engage Colonel Jefferson Davis Rand - a pistol collector himself, to catalogue, appraise, and negotiate the sale of her late husband's collection.
There were a number of people who had wanted the collection, but had anyone wanted it badly enough to kill Fleming? And if so, how had he done it?

Here is a mystery, told against the fascinating background of old guns and gun-collecting that will keep your nerves on a hair trigger even if you don't know the difference between a cased pair of Paterson .34's and a Texas .40 with a ramming-lever.


The Red House Mystery
The Red House Mystery -  A Magic Lamp Classic Mystery
By A.A. Milne

published in 1922. It was Milne's only mystery novel; he is better known for his children's stories like "Winnie the Pooh" and poems. The Red House is an English country house loaded with guests, including a British major, a willful actress, and a young jock athlete. Tony Gillingham arrives at the Red House moments after a gunshot is heard. The room is locked, the murderer has disappeared and, in Tony's opinion, the police are going about it the wrong way. Antony, who was looking for a new profession anyway, decides to solve the murder himself, with a little help from his friend Bill.

The Red House Mystery was immediately popular; Alexander Woollcott called it "one of the three best mystery stories of all time," but Raymond Chandler complained that the amateur detective's success comes only because the police are incompetent.


The Mystery of 31 NEW INN
The Mystery of 31 NEW INN -  A Dr. Thorndyke Mystery
By R. Austin Freeman

Much like the classic Sherlock Holmes stories, forensic practioner Dr. Thorndyke's exploits are told by his companion Christopher Jervis. This mystery involves two cases that Thorndyke And Jervis get involved with - one a man who is apparently being poisoned, and another who is already dead, but one of his heirs wants to contest the Will. Both cases seem impossible to Jervis, but not to his mentor, Dr. Thorndyke, who sees clues where none seem to exist.

While reading this book you may think you know how it ends, but you will be wrong, because the Way that Thorndyke wraps things up will come to you as an unexpected surprise.


The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes -  A Magic Lamp Classic Mystery
By Arthur Conan Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's first twelve Sherlock Holmes short stories published individually by the British Strand Magazine in July of 1981. Shortly thereafter, they were published as shown in this book, and have gone on to become classics and were followed up by another 11 stories in the "Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes," also available on Amazon from Magic Lamp Press. The twelve stories in this book include:
Five Orange Pips
A Case of Identity
The Beryl Coronet
The Speckled Band
The Blue Carbuncle
The Noble Bachelor
Red Headed League
Scandal in Bohemia
The Copper Beeches
The Engineer's Thumb
Boscombe Valley Mystery
Man With the Twisted Lip

This is the book that Holmes aficionados usually re-read every few years.



CRIME - Its Cause and Treatment
CRIME - Its Cause and Treatment
By Clarence Darrow

Clarence Darrow was one of this country's most influential lawyers. His 1925 defense of John Scopes in Dayton Tennessee's Monkey Trial was made famous by the motion picture Inherit the Wind. In this excellent book on Crime, he sets forth his thoughts on numerous subjects from 'What is Crime,' to Sex Crimes, Homicide, the Convict, Pardons, and Remedies.

Loaded with information for courtroom arguments, this book is a must-read for any attorney or law student, and will also enlighten any person interested in our criminal law justice system.

The Life, Crime, & Capture of JOHN WILKES BOOTH
The Life, Crime, & Capture of JOHN WILKES BOOTH -  A Magic Lamp Classic Mystery
By George Alfred Townsend

Every generation has dates that are etched into people's minds so deeply that they all know exactly where they were when that day's momentous event happened, like 9/11 and the killing of John F. Kennedy. In the days of our Civil War, the date etched into people's minds was when President Abraham Lincoln was shot dead as he attended the play "Our American Cousin" at the Ford Theater, on April the 14th, 1865 at the Ford Theater.

This book chronicles the events leading up to the assassination, and to the deaths of the killer John Wilkes Booth on April the 26th of that same year, and the subsequent hangings of the other conspirators on July the 7th.


A Book of REMARKABLE CRIMINALS -  From the Magic Lamp Classic Crime Series
By Harry B. Irving

H.B. Irving decided not to use his legal education to practice law, and instead spent his time between acting roles during a successful career o the stage chronicling these remarkable criminals. Included in this volume are ten infamous characters who made headlines in their day, including Charles Peace, Robert Butler, M. Derues, Dr. Castaing, Professor Webster, the mysterious Mr. Holmes, the Widow Gras, Vitalis and Marie Boyer, the Fenayrou case, and Eyraud & Bompard. Irving includes complete details about the crimes, court cases, and ultimate downfalls, also discussing their behavior during the interval between their condemnation and their execution

The reader will especially enjoy the author's extensive Introduction, in which he mentions many of the remarkable criminals of the book, along with others, comparing them to famous fictitious and real criminals that have appeared from Shakespeare's time to Irving's current days in the early twentieth century.


True Stories of Crime From the District Attorney's Office
True Stories of Crime From the District Attorney's Office -  From the Magic Lamp Classic Crime Series
By Arthur Train

Not all crimes are solved by lab-savvy CSI teams, matching some small piece of trace evidence to the culprit's DNA... they are solved by hard-working detectives doing the leg-work that has been a requirement of police for hundreds of years. And no-one knows this better than author Arthur Train, who was a District Attorney in New York, working side-by-side with the police. This book chronicles eleven fascinating cases that include a talented freehand check forger with a brilliant courtroom strategy, a 500-million-dollar fraud scheme including title to New York's Central Park, a stolen Stradivarius violin, a swindling telegrapher reminiscent of a Newman-Redford movie, and many more.

This is the stuff that great books and movies are made of, but the reader must always keep in mind that the crimes covered in this book are not from the creative imagination of an author - they are real-life stories that have actually happened.


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